Forget the BFF necklaces, just buy me a slice of pizza and give me the strongest hug you can muster.

My last trip to Boston was rather bittersweet. I was so happy to see people before I make my long journey back to Czech. I didn’t see too many people. I am not a person who has a large group of friends. I just have a small group of really good friends that I'm sad to leave yet again. I’ve never really had friends I with whom I was close until college when I met Chelsea. We kind of just fit as family. It was so hard for me when she fractured her ankle and had to move back in with her parents. I didn’t really have anyone I felt I could talk to about everything. When I started working at the café, I met Anisha and Mladen. While the café was far from my favorite job (only because the owner was a ridiculous tyrant) I have no regrets about that job. I would never have met these two individuals and probably would never have received inspiration to travel or teach. When it comes to Anisha, the reason I love being her friend is because we can talk about anything under the sun without judgment. She’s does her best to be honest with herself and really takes in all life lessons to try to become better as a person. Mladen is a jokester (as am I) and I'm not sure why I feel connected to him and can confide in him. He kind of reminds me of my dad in relation to his thoughts and views on family, his sense of humor, and inner child. I really respect these two individuals. 

I was talking to Anisha about my choice of friends in the past and why they never really stuck. I think it’s pretty simple, those people didn’t have a lot of respect for me and I didn’t have much respect for myself. I know that pretty sounds condescending and I don’t mean that those people were bad but when I was younger I was so desperate for a friend that I didn’t really think about what the basis of a good friendship should be. The similar interests were there but there was still a lack of connection and respect. I guess you’re not expected to figure these things out until you’ve experienced the world a bit. I really mean it when I say I don’t regret most things even though a good chunk of my life has been a far cry from ideal. I wouldn’t know what I know now if I didn’t go through these experiences and increasingly I really like who I am turning out to be. I know a lot of people say "I wish I knew then what I know now" or "I wish I could meet younger me so I could share my wisdom." I don't really like these sayings or ideas. What I mean is that my parents told me all these life lessons when I was younger. Does that mean I really truly listened and let those life lessons reflect in my life choices? No. I still went out and made mistakes so I don’t really think another adult telling me what to do would have mattered. I needed to learn the hard way and I think that everyone needs the figurative knocking to the ground so that these lessons and humility really stick. Making the world better starts with making yourself better.

I won’t see Anisha for a while which makes me really sad but I am excited to visit Mladen in Serbia. He said I can hang out with his aunt and grandma on their plum farm. :)

I'm leaving for Czech in a week so I'm crossing off the last things on my to-do list. One of those things was to go to the New England Aquarium. While looking at the tanks I was thinking two things: 1) Coooollll and 2) I want to eat you. But I spotted this guy all by his lonesome in his own tank. I snapped a picture and shared it with a few people but Mladen’s response takes the cake. So I am happy to introduce “Ocean Sheitan.”

Dark future with some well-lit corridors.

Money has always been a source of so much stress in my life. I became so desperate to make enough (or feel like I was making enough) that I had two jobs plus an internship and trying to do freelance while balance a social life. My sleep and eating habits were affected, my weight dropped to an unhealthy low and I was miserable. I also tend to have too much pride when it comes to money so I absolutely hate asking my parents (who are far from rich people) for anything because I feel too guilty and want to pay them back but I often don't make enough to pay them back fully. I've tried to let go some pride over the past couple years and since I've been home I am so incredibly grateful to mom and dad for treating me to even the basic necessities (like the 7 pairs of long wool socks for the cold winter). They even bought me new luggage for my upcoming birthday. Luggage is expensive. I've been using the luggage that my family bought some time before my older sister went to college which was around 2002 and the set has been abused. When the wheel broke off of one suitcase while I was moving out of my old apartment, I think my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to invest in some decent luggage.

A hot topic in the U.S. over the past couple years is the devastating cost of a higher education and the lack of even decent-paying jobs available to young graduates. Students are left with mountains of debt and no way to pay it off. This is not the main cause but a factor in the decrease of car sales and home ownership because young people simply can't afford it. This, of course, is my story. Like I said, two jobs, an internship, freelance, and non-existent social life. I can afford my monthly payments but with 50% or more of it going to interest I've hardly made a dent in my loans. STRESS. How can I even attempt to prepare for my future life with like a husband, kids, a house, college funds, cars, etc. when I can't even get out of the water myself? I'd also like to throw in that I very sparingly use a credit card. Like I never like to go above $150/$200 because I know I'll struggle so hard to pay off anything higher. I don't have that much in debt compared to a lot of friends but it's still an incredible amount for someone who has been busting her butt at a clothing retail store for the past 4 years, made it up to a sort of administrative position, and still only made a little over $10/hour. Once you factor in taxes, rent, groceries, travel, and student loans, you don't have that much left over. And then when your company decides to cut your hours from around 30/35 hours a week to a measly 24, it really hurts. You aren't making enough money AND hey, you just lost your benefits. Awesome. Thanks a ton.

I have made some changes in my life that have made me a lot happier but I still struggle with money. However, my parents, being the amazing saintly, good people that they are, have said that once my younger sister finishes college, they would prefer to see their children out of debt and want to help us out. This is amazing for me because no that I have a job that I love, I am really interested in going to graduate school. My goal is to bring my actual student loan debt (not including interest) down to at least $12,000 before I apply. Realistically I can do that on my own if I really truly budget myself over the next 2 years. But after a talk with my dad I might be able to do it sooner. I know I'm getting ahead of myself because life is cruel and things happen so I can't really count on a super cheery, happy ending  but I can still hope and make du'a to Allah.

I am woman, hear me giggle and squeak.

So watching the video introducing my friend Nicholas's documentary "Pursuing Happiness" really struck a chord with me.  The past year I've done a lot of soul searching to find out what makes me happy and how I want to impact the world. If you didn't already know, Malala Yusafzai, the young Pakistani girl whom the Taliban attempted to assassinate last year delivered a speech to the UN the week on her 16th birthday. If you haven't already watched it, I'll give you a moment to do so.

I was so moved by her words, the words of a 16-year old that I cried. And I cried when I talked to my dad about it. It's no surprise, I cry easily but the only thing coherent thing that came out of my mouth whilst crying was, "What a beautiful person." As my older sister, Kyla, said, I loved what she had to say as a woman, as a Pakistani, as a Muslim, as a young person, and in general, as a human being. I've decided at this point in my life I know what I want my legacy to be. In the future biography of me, I want to be known as an activist for women's education.

This is a major problem in our world, even at home in the U.S. Girls around the world are denied an education or flat out don't have the opportunity to go to school. Here at home, young women are not encouraged enough to pursue careers in math and science fields. I went to a private liberal arts college in Boston and I think the ratio of women to men at the time I attended was about 70:30. Yeah. I think a lot of it has to do with the expected gender roles of little girls and how they really haven't changed at all since forever.

One of my current favorite websites to visit (upworthy.com) recently uploaded a video about a new toy for girls that promotes engineering and problem-solving skills at a young age. I'd totally buy that for my girl. This is not to say I'm putting down the arts, I love the arts! The arts as far as I'm concerned. the arts is where it's at. I wasn't bad at science or math (except for calculus...first C ever in my life) but from a very early age I really loved to read and write, you can ask my parents. But if I had been encouraged to do something along the lines of this new Goldieblox engineering toy, who knows?

As for getting more global, a project that I have really been interested in is Skateistan. It really makes me wish I knew how to skateboard and the Dari language. This program targets young girls in Afghanistan (and now Cambodia!), giving them the opportunity at an education and the chance to learn a really cool skill.

I try to keep up with foreign affairs as much as possible because my parents always encouraged me and my sisters to be aware of the world around us. On top of that a professor from college scolded my class for not knowing about anything about the Bosnian War in the early to mid 90s (ahem, I was aware fyi) and said that you cannot be a good writer or even a good person if you don't pay attention to your world. While I know some people that would argue that in the case of several classical writers, I think he's right. We have such a globally connected world that you can't just ignore a part of it because you don't like it. Be aware and try to have a positive influence on the parts that don't work so well. Education is the first step understanding and compromise on both sides. Just imagine what that little girl picking her nose on the bus could grow up to be. I'm not a scary hooded figure and I'm not just a pretty face. I am an advocate, an activist, and representative for the education of everyone, of Muslim women, the Oxford comma, and the belief baked goods are good bandages for bad days. 

Thinking of all of this makes me swell with pride (and more tears, I can't help it) and this is just the sort of positivity I want to push forward in the world. What makes you happy?

"Fasting, eh?" laughed the cake.

So it's Ramadan and I'm home and I'm healthy. I thought fasting this year would be incredibly hard since it's so hot and humid here but it's turning out to be okay. It's not the lack of food that ever concerns me. I can go for hours without food but it's the lack of water that can be rough. Yet in this time of reflection and meditation I can't help but feel like I'm cheating. Being home automatically means I am spoiled when it comes to eating. It makes my life on my own look like an entire year of fasting and one month of indulgence. But as I rationalized to my older sister while my one-year old nephew was throwing his peas on the floor, I do need to keep my body nourished. So I only feel like I'm eating more but it's all for the sake of maintaining my health...and the fact that we have two June birthdays, two July birthdays and two July wedding anniversaries so you MUST have cake and celebrate.

Anas's rainbow birthday cake

Taufiq's birthday cake (homemade Snickers cake...so much sugar and butter)

I am so happy I am able to be home during this time of year because being on my own, I tend to become so tied up in myself. Who am I? What am I doing with my life? But being home makes me a bigger part of something. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, and I can stretch those roots that have felt like they were lying dormant for so long. I had a sad moment a few weeks back. I came home excited to see my family and friends but one of my main goals this summer was to form a bond with my nephew. When I found out my sister was pregnant, I was walking on Newbury Street in Boston with my younger sister (sorry, Kyla, she couldn't contain it but I kept my mouth shut). When those words came out of my younger sister's mouth, I start to scream with joy and it was all I could think about. It gave me so much to think about when I went home that night. I haven't always had the strongest relationship with my family but something inside me changed. Our family was changing and I wanted to be present and accounted for during that change. I wanted to be a part of my nephew's life so that when he gets older, Kyla and Taufiq have someone they can rely on and Anas can turn to me for advice. Not only that but it made me begin to think about my future and the influence I'll have on my kids and what my potential future husband should be like. I like how my sisters and I turned out. While we're nowhere near perfect, I think we've turned out really well and I hope my future kids have the same views on life. You need to step outside your bubble because the world is a big place and stop trying to impress others but rather impress yourself, have as many adventures as possible but the best bed and the best food is always in the place where people love you the most. I'd like to stress the food part of that sentence because my father and I will cook the same thing and his comes out way better than mine.

Anyway, getting back to my original point, I had a moment of realization that even though I get to spend all this time playing with Anas and teaching him to give high fives (and low ones), he won't remember any of this time we had together. We will still have plenty of Skype dates but I won't be able to hold him and play with him. It really made me sad. I mean he's just getting used to me and doesn't cry when I pick him up.

Sous chef Anas helping in the kitchen

On the note of happiness and self-contentment, I'd like to mention a friend's film project he and his friend are trying to get off the ground. It's called "Pursuing Happiness" and I'm sorry for not being so tech-savvy because I don't know how to embed this video but even if you can't or, let's be honest, don't feel like donating, it's worth a watch.

Is that sweat or the stench of freedom?

I'm aware I'm a walking advertisement for Boston. Everyone whom I talk to, I brag about Boston's beauty and relaxed nature. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but if I were to ever settle in a city in the U.S., Boston would be among my top choices. I'm so glad I was up here for the Independence Day surrounded by friends who bring so much joy to my life. They're people who in my mind represent tolerance, love, freedom, and joy. I know, I'm super cheesy and a complete dreamer, idealist, blah, blah, blah head in the clouds blah blah.

1. I couldn't change if I tried
2. Everyone can just shut up, the world needs dreamers and do-gooders
3. I'm fantastic and entertaining

Anyway, how I feel about extravagant (and tasteful) shows of patriotism like the 4th of July is similar to how I felt being at the Eastside Gallery in Berlin. I felt this swell of happiness and pride just for being human. I know our system and government is screwed up but I think about a lot of the opportunities I am afforded by living here. I think about my father's upbringing in Indonesia and how hard he worked to push past his circumstances so that he could have a chance at a better life for him and his future family. It's hard and a constant struggle but he makes it work. Watching the fireworks over the Charles River with people who accepted me for all I am and all my faults and all my quirks was the most perfect way to spend a day dedicated to the idea of freedom.

A peek into the hazard zone that is my childhood bedroom.

Things found while cleaning my room:

• wooden shoe rack covered in band photos and magazine cutouts
• various academic and sports awards
• tons of costume jewelry (and by costume jewelry, just imagine tornado blowing through a 90s Claire's store on its way to my room)
• Key Club stuff (volunteer organization in high school)
• works of classical literature (some of which has yet to be read. I'll get to it)
• clothes I haven't worn since I was 11 yet still fit (or fit even better...I was big snacker)
• lombok pearl tasbih beads (mine?)
• pictures of orangutans 
• the hazmat suit a friend stole from his internship and gave to me
• my midterm paper on the Riot Grrrl movement from American music history class.

I like what all this says about who I am. 

How's the weather, Irving?

Whenever I discuss the weather with someone, I feel like I should be an old man in a fishing boat complaining about kids these days and my trick hip acting up but I think being from the east coast of the U.S. it's a big thing for us because we do have such wacky weather. It's really unpredictable sometimes and can really mess up plans for a day out. Some of my Czech friends make fun of me for commenting on the weather so often but I guess it's kind of part of culture here. As I jokingly said to Jenda, "We all complain about the weather and that's what unites us among all our differences: religions, class, race, sexual orientation, etc. There are no politics involved in the weather."

The weather here at home really makes me miss the predictability of Czech weather. And the lack of humidity. Sure the humidity can make my hair feel like I have an afro of crunchy spaghetti but for someone with a history of asthma, it goes beyond physical appearance. The humidity (no matter what time of year) makes it difficult to breathe and causes me to get a string of migraine headaches. Having a migraine makes it a little difficult to enjoy your vacation, especially when there is a very vocal 11-month old around.

All that aside, I am enjoying my time at home. I get to play with Anas for hours, relax, catch up on reading, do some well-deserved internet surfing, etc. I'm heading up to Boston for the 4th of July. I'll get to visit some friends I haven't seen for a while and hang out in quite possibly my favorite city in the U.S.