Overflow and then depart.

I was out for my Saturday afternoon walk yesterday, trying to clear my head of all the large life questions that float so close to the surface on quiet weekends. I was listening to my iPod as usual. The sun was starting to set so I decided to catch a bus home. "Bad Religion" by Frank Ocean started to play. I feel I should preface this by saying it is not a song denigrating Islam. When he sang that first "Allahu akbar" I paused. I felt something hit my heart hard. I started to tear up.

Once I got home I did salah and Skyped with Kyla. On top of needing to speak to someone I felt had a good connection to our religion, I just plain needed my older sister. I knew she would have some words of wisdom and comfort for me. And of course, she did. I felt a lot better after talking to her. I know I need a little more time to think about things and to keep making du'a that Allah helps me figure out what my next move is and I know He won't abandon me as long as I don't abandon Him.

I also talked with Mladen who can always cheer me up by pointing out that I'm dramatic and overcomplicate things. He said to just stop thinking so much and go. It's one year, what could happen?

Today I received a message of love and support from my mom. I really needed all of this. I needed to cry. I needed to release this tension. I needed to be reminded that I'm never alone. I needed to cook a good dinner and finish it off with some chocolate. I needed my sister. I needed to see my silly nephew. I needed that message from my mom. Maybe I am a bit dramatic but this is a new experience in my life and it's difficult. I know I just have to keep pushing through and eventually I'll get to where I'm going, wherever that is.

Ship and sea analogies.

Rough sailing. Hardships (get it? Hard ships? Bad joke, I know), stormy seas, and all that. I'm sick...again. This is not really what I expected to be one of my bigger problems while living abroad. I talked to my boss and she said when Americans come over here they usually have a really tough time dealing with local virus strains. I feel so weak here sometimes. On top of that, the weather is so gloomy so frequently that my everything feels like it's standing still: time, life, my brain, my body. I can't do anything about the weather but as far as the illness thing goes I remember when I was younger, my parents would always tell me not to be so upset when you get hurt or sick because everything comes from Allah. It could be that this could have prevented me from doing something or to cleanse me of something physical or spiritual, I don't know. Maria gave me some medicine for my throat and nose so insha Allah, it will help. I'm trying to look at this in a more positive light. Hopefully when it's over I'll be a little stronger, a little brighter.

And with all these clouds, which frequently give me these headaches because I think I'm straining my eyes so much, it really makes me appreciate sunny days. Trying to stay positive is hard sometimes but nothing worth anything is easy.

On a more positive note, Maria and I went to Prague last night for a vegan cooking night. We met some more foreigners: a girl from Poland, a guy from Germany, a guy from Belgium, and a guy from Czech. It was fun and we had great a night just talking and enjoying dinner. It was really fun. I want more of these types of activities. It's so quiet in Hradec. I think it's time to move back to a larger city.