Lost and lethargic in a labyrinth.

I'm happy the school system here in HK is fond of taking vacation days. We were only supposed to have next Wednesday off for Labor Day but the headmasters met and agreed to also take Monday and Tuesday. This is especially good news for me because I think I'm still am dealing with some deeper issues. Homesickness, life confusion (dreams of mazes), Boston, etc. I am in need of a long, strong bear hug. Here is just a preview of the my fogged up brain:

Last night I kept waking up every hour or so. I was so exhausted in the morning when I took a shower, it wasn't until my hair started to dry and my hair felt sticky that I realized I forgot to rinse the conditioner. I proceeded to burned my bagel and spill coffee on myself twice.

I need to relax.

Operation: GABBIS

Or "Get Ari's butt back into shape".

I used to be so active but then I graduated college and had to start paying extra for gyms and even though I love running, I'm super self-conscious about running in public. I get this whole idea that people are staring at me and laughing on the inside and thinking, "Look at fatty run." It's weird. I'm quite slim. I'm aware my brain is loopy. Moving on.

I really miss playing volleyball. It kept me moving, I had a lot of fun, and I really liked being able to assert my power. If you don't know this, I'm really small (5'3" or something like 160 cm if I remember correctly). People don't take me seriously which is why I often dress up and wear tall shoes, I look about as old as my 13-year old students, and it makes me feel a little powerless sometimes so to feel like I had some power was really freaking awesome. Well unless I can find a group of people who don't mind a small American who barely speaks any Czech playing with them, I guess late night runs will suffice. I'll just have to duck behind a trashcan if I see someone on the street.

Also in news today, I broke a knife in half.

Feeling better.

Sorry about the rant yesterday. I had a talk with Anisha and I'm feeling a little better. I am finally starting to settle into life here and it's really frustrating to realize I don't have the same people who made the U.S. my home. I know I have to get over the hill and everything will be fine. Anisha said it took several months after moving to Boston for her to start to make really good friends. Perhaps it will be the same for me. I do have a few friends here in Hradec and for that I'm grateful. I guess to me it just seems like everyone has their own full lives with friends, family, love, and their career and it made me feel so half full. I just have to keep focusing on the reason why I came here because teaching does make me very happy. I should take my own advice and be happy with what I have and not focus on what others have.

Homesick? Friendsick?

I got stung with a huge amount of homesickness today. It really hit me Monday and Tuesday when I realized I had no one here in Hradec to really talk to. I don't mean "Hey, how are you? How's work?" those are just social niceties we pay. No one really wants to hear sob stories. This is why I keep my distance from people because I know they don't want to hear it. Whenever I try to reach out to someone I just kind of have it slapped back in my face. I had a handful of people back in U.S. who were ready for me with a hug and perhaps some chocolate when I needed and they didn't care if it was in the middle of the day or at midnight. I don't have that here.

It's easy for people to say, 'Oh you should go make friends with the university students." No it's not easy. I'm a very shy person. I don't like huge events with so many people. I like small groups of people.  People with whom I can be intimate. I haven't had a proper hug in months. I think that's a huge part of it. Hugs. When someone gives me a proper hug and I mean a strong hug so that I can feel the love, I feel a thousand times better. It makes me feel like someone might not get it but they know it's important to me. I feel like that sounds a bit selfish but I think it's human nature to crave these sorts of things.

I'm sorry for the rant, I'm just feeling so incredibly overwhelmed and lonely.

Boston Love.

A design by Aaron Bouvier, a Boston-based designer.

I hope he makes this into a t-shirt. I would buy it.

UPDATE!!!

This design has been made into a T-shirt (and tote bag and print) and proceeds go to help the families affected by the bombings! Yay! These would make a great present for yourself or those Bostonians in your life! :)

Just something to add.

I want to include this link from the Washington Post about Muslims around the world praying that the persons involved with the Boston bombings do not turn out to be Muslim. It's so sad that this is among our first thoughts. It's a rough world for a Muslim and though many of my readers know me (friends and family) and know I'm a goofball who loves coffee too much and has a heart as soft as Fluff, I still want to say, there is no one face of terrorism. It doesn't have a race, religion, nationality, etc. I am grateful to officials of all ranks who expressed the importance of not jumping to conclusions. There has been enough violence already, to create even more violence does nothing for humanity.

I am a Bostonian, I am a Muslim, I am an American, I am a human.

A difficult and sleep-deprived night.

Watching and reading every update is disturbing and heartbreaking. I couldn't sleep much last night, still wondering and waiting to hear about friends, former coworkers and classmates, and even former bosses. I was finally able to sleep after a while but with lack of hydration and sleep, my nerves were still shaky. I spoke with my younger sister who works about a ten minute walk from the blast site who told me more details about the aftermath she witnessed. Her work is right by the Mass General Hospital so it was a very busy area. When our conversation devolved into just, "I love you so much, I was so scared," repeated over and over, I never wanted to be at home more.

I thank my friends who attempted to lighten my mood since I and they know how much of a motherly worrier I tend to be. A couple sixth graders in my morning classes asked me what was wrong (I wasn't exactly as chipper as my normal self) and I couldn't help but cry. I pulled myself together quickly and just explained that sometimes the world is a sad place.

It was so surreal being in such a small world here. No one had a clue of the events across the ocean. My students went about their normal day, nothing had changed for them. No matter who I talk to here, they don't seem to understand. While it's frustrating to me that I don't have anyone here who can offer an empathetic hug or even a sympathetic one, I guess I have to remember that perhaps they don't have a feeling to compare. Violent crimes aren't even much of an issue here. In this I envy people. I hope no one ever has to experience what happened at the Boston Marathon.

I have a very deep love for Boston. I used to go on walks with my friend Chelsea and I said the reason I love Boston is because while New York has stories, Boston speaks. I don't mean that I don't like New York (although I do prefer Boston) but you can feel Boston breathe. It's an old friend and a warm hug. I always feel at home and it's the one city I'd probably want to move back to if I ever decide to raise a family in the U.S. And throughout all the press releases and briefings the politicians and police are right, Boston is a tough little city and they'll get through it.