Overflow and then depart.

I was out for my Saturday afternoon walk yesterday, trying to clear my head of all the large life questions that float so close to the surface on quiet weekends. I was listening to my iPod as usual. The sun was starting to set so I decided to catch a bus home. "Bad Religion" by Frank Ocean started to play. I feel I should preface this by saying it is not a song denigrating Islam. When he sang that first "Allahu akbar" I paused. I felt something hit my heart hard. I started to tear up.

Once I got home I did salah and Skyped with Kyla. On top of needing to speak to someone I felt had a good connection to our religion, I just plain needed my older sister. I knew she would have some words of wisdom and comfort for me. And of course, she did. I felt a lot better after talking to her. I know I need a little more time to think about things and to keep making du'a that Allah helps me figure out what my next move is and I know He won't abandon me as long as I don't abandon Him.

I also talked with Mladen who can always cheer me up by pointing out that I'm dramatic and overcomplicate things. He said to just stop thinking so much and go. It's one year, what could happen?

Today I received a message of love and support from my mom. I really needed all of this. I needed to cry. I needed to release this tension. I needed to be reminded that I'm never alone. I needed to cook a good dinner and finish it off with some chocolate. I needed my sister. I needed to see my silly nephew. I needed that message from my mom. Maybe I am a bit dramatic but this is a new experience in my life and it's difficult. I know I just have to keep pushing through and eventually I'll get to where I'm going, wherever that is.

Ship and sea analogies.

Rough sailing. Hardships (get it? Hard ships? Bad joke, I know), stormy seas, and all that. I'm sick...again. This is not really what I expected to be one of my bigger problems while living abroad. I talked to my boss and she said when Americans come over here they usually have a really tough time dealing with local virus strains. I feel so weak here sometimes. On top of that, the weather is so gloomy so frequently that my everything feels like it's standing still: time, life, my brain, my body. I can't do anything about the weather but as far as the illness thing goes I remember when I was younger, my parents would always tell me not to be so upset when you get hurt or sick because everything comes from Allah. It could be that this could have prevented me from doing something or to cleanse me of something physical or spiritual, I don't know. Maria gave me some medicine for my throat and nose so insha Allah, it will help. I'm trying to look at this in a more positive light. Hopefully when it's over I'll be a little stronger, a little brighter.

And with all these clouds, which frequently give me these headaches because I think I'm straining my eyes so much, it really makes me appreciate sunny days. Trying to stay positive is hard sometimes but nothing worth anything is easy.

On a more positive note, Maria and I went to Prague last night for a vegan cooking night. We met some more foreigners: a girl from Poland, a guy from Germany, a guy from Belgium, and a guy from Czech. It was fun and we had great a night just talking and enjoying dinner. It was really fun. I want more of these types of activities. It's so quiet in Hradec. I think it's time to move back to a larger city.

Climbing stairs in the dark.

I've been doing a lot of thinking (surprise, surprise), trying to figure out my next step in life. I kind of feel like I'm tapping my toes around in the dark, trying to feel for the next step. I know there is a step there but I'm unsure what is there exactly and yet I'm scared to step forward. But I can't stay in a dark stairwell forever.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. So much has happened in such little time. Let's try to recap:

1) Eid-ul-Adha, I was able to take off the morning to go to salah but when I tried to catch a bus to teach my afternoon classes, I found out the bus I would normally take doesn't go to that area. Cue panic. I had to find someone who spoke English who could maybe tell me the number of a cab company. Luckily I found someone and she helped me find a cab that, as it turns out, specializes in transportation for English-speaking foreigners.

2) Psychosomatic symptoms of stress are delivered in the form of strained neck muscles.

3) I went to the Prague Signal Festival with some friends from HK. It was really cool. There were all these light installations all over the city and some short films projected onto buildings. We returned to HK at 2 a.m. I was so exhausted.

4) I was swarmed by a group of second graders one morning and offered me parts of their snacks. I received several halves of biscuits, dried fruit, and some chocolate.

5) An older student called me a terrorist. I told him it was really hurtful and that I really work hard so that people don't think this about me and my brothers and sisters. I know he didn't really mean it but he's just the sort of person who doesn't knowwhen to stop with jokes. Another student hit him on the head and told him he was a stupid terrorist.

6) A student tried to kiss me. I deflected with a book. I believe it was innocent because he proceeded to tell me that I was a 1* (Czech school equivalent to a U.S. school's A+) teacher, giggled and ran off. It has happened before but he is getting a little old and I think his parents should probably have a talk with him.

Annnnd I think I want to move to Prague. I have been talking with my parents and friends and they think it's a good idea. I like being out in HK but it's just too small. It would be better if I was older and had a family but I'm not at that stage of my life just yet. And my chances of meeting someone (a romantic someone) out here are really slim. I think it's time for me to move on. I'm not finished searching. I still have a ways to climb.

Contrary to popular belief, I do have an off switch.

I am not an English grammar/spelling machine. I am not the grammar police once I step outside of the classroom. Once I leave the classroom I turn that switch off. My brain likes to think about different things like chocolate and my next cup of coffee or contemplating whether I should wear that sweater with the slightly smelly armpits or stick it in the wash and wear something else.

While at social events or in passing many people comment to me that their English is terrible but I'll let you in on a secret: I'm not paying attention to see if you used the present perfect continuous tense properly. I'm so incredibly grateful for normal human interaction with people older than 13 and to whom I don't have to explain a grammar rule. I think my brain would explode if I had my English teacher switch turned on all the time. The only thing that activates the grammar machine outside of class is if someone uttered something completely nonsensical. I'm used to being around non-native English speakers and I'm used to mispronounced words and slightly garbled mixed sentences but I understand the overall message.

Flattery and the art of illusion.

I'm trying to find a winter jacket. Not a difficult task, right? Wrong. Much like trying to find pants that fit me properly or a dress that fits nicely is always an awkward and arduous task. I, like my sisters, all have very small upper bodies and thin legs but big hips. But because we're so small in every other way, it looks like we're smaller than we are. Here are things to consider about shopping for a coat:

1) Is it thick enough? (Normal question. It gets cold out here and I spend quite a bit of time outside during my day so it's a good, standard question)

2) Is it long enough? Waist to hip ratio and thickness of bottom region causes materials to rise more than you would expect and if any piece of clothing is chosen improperly, uncomfortable drafts and embarrassing flashes of flesh may occur.

3) Is it wide enough and slim enough? Fits my upper body = loss of proper blood circulation and occasionally causes mummy walk because of restricted hip room. Fits my hips = carrying a blimp in my bra.

Oh the troubles of being a lady.

It was cute today when the saleswoman gave me a funny look when I told her the size 6 coat she pulled out for me might be a little small.

It's like when my students think I'm 17 or 18 and then I tell them I'm 25. They're so shocked. These people flatter me so.

Secret desires that are maybe not so secret.

I talk about women's education and rights a lot. I get this surge of pride yet desperation on the subject. I wish more people felt as strongly as I do about the subject. Even as I'm writing this, I am trying to avoid going off on a long speech about how even in the "developed world" girls are expected to dream in pink castles and ponies and (maybe not purposely) sets limits to what she is expected to achieve. But I feel a little helpless when it comes to doing something about this. I don't really have money to donate nor do I have the luxury of running off volunteer as a teacher. But if I could set aside my student loans and could raise enough money for a plane ticket, I would do it in a heartbeat. The dream coming in at second place is working with orangutans but that's an entirely different story.

I  know I have mentioned her before but Malala Yousafzai is one amazing 16-year-old. Not only do I find her bravery and courage admirable but her compassion speaks volumes beyond that. It is something to strive for in ourselves. Those are the qualities that I want in myself and Insha Allah my future children. I really do believe that love is louder.

"Fake it till you make it" or "Escape from Bacteria Mountain."

Upside to working with kids: playful, lots of energy, funny personalities, and it's nice when they're inspired to learn English.

Downside to working with kids: Can be grumpy (and angsty is they're older) and GERMS.

Yes, yes, I'm ill yet again. It's not a surprise and it won't be the last time this year, I'm sure. It just stinks when it's such a nice weekend and I want to be outside doing things but I'm stuck inside feeling like an infectious bag of gross. I get cabin fever all too quickly so I had to escape the confines of my bed yesterday and go out for a couple walks. The air felt incredible. I wanted to go out and do something last night but everyone seemed busy but it's really for the best. As much as I would like to be active and do something I know I have to stay put. I'm a big baby when it comes to being sick. I whine and complain all the time. I remember one time when I was a teenager, I had to stay home sick and I kept getting out of bed, refusing to drink more tea or do anything to rest. Mom was quite annoyed. She scolded me and told me to get back into bed. I hate feeling helpless or stuck. I'm too stubborn for that business. 

Insha Allah I'll be better by tomorrow. It's really tough to teach kids when you're ill. Maintaining a high level of energy and enthusiasm all day is difficult when you feel like you have a head full of cotton and your nose feels like the Niagra falls of mucus. I've been try to running my sinuses clear by wolfing down all the chilis in my flat, coating my throat with gobs of honey, and flooding my body with tea. As you can see, I have a flair for drama. :)