You'd think being a literature major would make you better at interpreting symbolism in your dreams.

I guess that's why I switched my career. I've been spending a lot of time on dream interpretation websites.  I rarely remember my dreams but I've been having really vivid ones about every other night for the past couple weeks. I take it as too many things are on my mind and my subconscious and body are screaming at me to pay attention to these things. I dreamt of two things last night.

1) Bath bomb/bath fizzy - I dreamt that I was cleaning my room and one rolled right out in front of me. I like to buy bath bombs from Lush as a little celebration to me. I used to buy them once or twice a month since they're a little expensive. I'd go home, lock myself in the bathroom much to the dismay of my flatmates and spend an hour or two soaking in the tub, watching a movie and not caring about anything. I worry about things I have no control over, about how people perceive me, about people whom I'm unsure reciprocate my attachment. I think my body and mind are telling me to relax and just focus on me and not anyone or anything else (within reason, of course). I need to relax, be me, and not care about those who don't accept me.

2) K - My childhood friend. My Jamaican. I mention her as K because I'm not sure how she feels about privacy. She was one of my best friends growing up and as far as I know her parents still live a few streets down. It's been quite a few years since I've contacted her and I'm not really sure how to get in contact with her since I think she lives in Boston now and I feel strange going to her parents house and saying, "Hi, where's your daughter?" But anyway, it made me realize how much I miss her friendship and how terrible I am at keeping in touch with people. I think it stems from my aversion to talking on the telephone. Anyway, I'm trying to get better at it and I'd really like to see her.

Dreams are funny things.

America. Racism and other prejudice. Why I feel like a foreigner in my own country.

A foreign friend told me he didn't understand why Americans were so sensitive to racism. I know him to make somewhat racist jokes and it's a part of his culture but I know he doesn't really believe these things.  But I think what he doesn't understand is how much racism is still so involved with violence and injustice in this country. Take a look at what's happening in Ferguson, MO. It's only one example of violence because of racism. We claim to be such a progressive country but we still suffer from this same disease that has plagued us since the founding of this country. We don't believe in protecting our own people. We don't believe that our own people are even our own people.

When things like Ferguson happen, it reminds me that even though I have white skin, I'm also Muslim and therefore seen as a foreigner and immigrant as therefore seen as something less or something to be scared of even though I'm educated, polite, dressed nicely, etc. It makes me scared to raise a family here. It makes me scared for my father who has darker skin and has had more than his fair share of abuse both physical and non-physical. It makes me always nervous around police and feel like I have to put on a loud show of being extra nice and friendly because I don't want them to jump to insane conclusions because I'm not smiling. I think what my friend doesn't realize is that in this country, you are never safe.

The struggle to believe in something.

First, I applied for schools in Korea. I got so overwhelmingly stressed and decided to apply for jobs elsewhere. I got a job in Kazan, Russia but then the school started experiencing financial strain because of the political and economic situation in Russia and they had to withdraw their offer of employment. I got overwhelmingly stressed again. I talked to my family, my friends, I cried, I got stress headaches, I went running to relieve my stress like I normally do but nothing really quite helped. That Friday I went to Jummah salah at the masjid and I spoke with my friend Hafsah. I told her what happened and she just shrugged it off and said, "Allah is the best of planners." I felt so calm and relieved as soon as she said it.

It's hard to remain positive and look on the other end of things when things don't go as you plan. As a Muslim, one of the biggest jihads is just having faith that Allah knows best for you. But really this expands to all humans, Muslim and non-Muslim alike. And for those of my friends and readers who aren't Muslim or even dislike the idea of religion, bear with me. I know it's incredibly difficult to believe in something you can't see, don't have a written agreement with, can't speak to, etc. It's hard to see the wisdom behind certain things in your life. I recently got another job in Russia but this time in St. Petersburg. The Muslim community is not as large there and I worry because I contacted one brother and he said neither he nor his wife were sure of any English-speaking Muslims there. Again, I tell myself, "Allah is the best of planners." I know He would not send me to a place without some plan of something good for me. During a period of doubt in my life, I went to Czech Republic, a largely atheistic country and happened to be placed in a city where they have one of I think three known mosques in the entire country. It was a small community but it changed me in so many ways. In my opinion, I think that in itself was a sign and one that I admit, moves me to tears, which isn't really that difficult but it something I feel so strongly about. So as long a my paperwork goes smoothly, I will be in St. Petersburg in January insha Allah, ready and waiting to see what is in store for me.

Stuck in the system.

Volunteering is something I want to do. I love helping. Paying student loans is something I do not want to do but I have to do and therefore I cannot work for free.

I just got an email from this nonprofit organization created by alumni of my alma mater that guides students and graduates to managing their money and paying student loans. YES. Thank you. Someone cares. It's so overwhelming to try to manage finances when you are trying to manage so many other things. There's professional development, social life development, love life development, personal interests and hobbies, trying to figure out taxes, etc.

On this site, I read about one organization that helps people pay off their student debts while volunteering. WHAT?! YES. Because this is all I ever want to do in life. Sadly, it's limited to Washington D.C., Chicago, and Philly but maybe if I come back for my master's degree I could find something because who knows where I'll end up.

Labels are tricky, sticky things that some people just want to cut off.

And that's fine. I watched a clip of Raven-Symoné's interview with Oprah and I'm quite astonished that she's received so much backlash. I understand people's desire to identify with a single culture that but why does that have to extend over an entire skin color? If Raven-Symoné doesn't feel she really identifies as an "African-American" and rather just as an American, okay that's totally understandable. I don't go around calling myself an English-French Canadian-Native American-Indonesian-Chinese-Dutch-American. And my family is so nomadic by nature that I'm sure that's not the end of it. It's too complicated to go into what a lot of us are especially when many Americans like myself don't even know their whole ethnic background.

Labels are tricky. It would be nice to live in a world where people didn't lump you into one group but people are going to do what people are going to do. I dream of the day when I can say "I'm Muslim" and people don't think I'm strict and serious or oppressed. But I think RS is right in her self-identification. Personally, I'm a lot of things, I'm not just one. Some of it's contradictory but hey, being human is complicated.

Sleepless in Springfield.

How long can one stare at the dimly lit shadows of your childhood bedroom before your mind and body give up out of sheer boredom? Apparently a long time. There's just too much on my mind lately. I have been stressing out over this job situation. I've been waiting for 3 months for South Korea and I just don't know if it will pay off. I started applying to other positions a couple weeks ago and I've been offered a position in Russia. I don't know if I should take it. I've wanted to go to Russia for a long time now but I have put so much time, money, and energy into SK that I want to feel it's worth something. Plus I would really like to go back to school. SK would help me get there a lot faster even though I think I would much rather enjoy Russia.

You know that question people ask about changing one thing about yourself? I wish I could be less emotional. I know I shouldn't say things like that but I really do. I can't help it. It's like a wave that consumes you and you don't know how to swim so you struggle until it washes you ashore. I really wish that sometimes I could switch off my emotion center of my brain and not care or at least be better at hiding my emotions. I would sleep so much easier.

I really do feel like Kolya sometimes. A lost, helpless little kid who doesn't understand anything about the real world. Maybe it's just because I'm still in my childhood bedroom.

When times stops.

My Uncle Endang passed away today. He was in a motorcycle accident recently, got a concussion, was in a coma, and seemed to be doing okay and then just wasn't.

I don't know how to react in situations like this. When some conversation leads to the air suddenly leaving the room. My muscles are stunned into a blank space. Everything turns blinding white. I don't know what to do or what to say. Sometimes I cry, but mostly I just need to feel something solid underneath my feet and I leave.

I panic.