Talking to yourself is encouraged here.

When I decided to give teaching a try I wondered to myself if I was giving up on my dreams of writing. I'm still not completely 100% sure if that's what I've done but I don't think so. I think when I decided that I wanted to be a writer it was because the only thing I ever felt I was slightly better than mediocre at was english and baking. Baking is a hard sell because there are so many bakeries out there and I didn't know if I would have the guts to go forward with that dream so I stuck with english because it seemed like the safer choice. And what else to do with the english language than become a writer?

After feeling disappointed with myself and the quality of my writing in comparison to my classmates around me who were writing stories constantly and writing really well in my opinion I felt myself really slipping away from my love of writing and even my love of reading. I constantly felt like giving up and my stories were too sappy and emotional and that's not who I was. Or who I am, I should say. I remember riding my bike to my internship at a magazine in Boston and feeling like, "I can't do this. I'm nowhere good enough." There are several times in my life when I wish there was someone or something, some little creature that could sense my emotions without me saying so (because I bottle things) and know that I just needed a little push of encouragement. Or even to tell me, "Okay, it's not working out, don't freak out, maybe your path needs a little adjusting, a little detour." Of course such people do exist but who ever heard of opening up to people and reaching out for a little guidance? That's just not the way we do things here. But I figured things had to start moving because I felt like I had been standing still for too long.

So I got offered a job overseas about a month after completing my teaching course, crossed my fingers and headed off to a small city in the middle of Europe where I didn't know anyone, didn't know the language and had no clue as to what I was doing. I still feel that way after two years. I know a few more people and I'm trying to improve my language skills but I still wonder, "What the hell am I doing? Is this actually going to be my life?" I wonder if I'm a good teacher, a good friend, a good daughter, a good potential wife and a good sister let alone being a good writer. But I haven't given up writing and trying to figure it out so I guess my alternate route isn't so bad. I know people tell young adults all the time that bull about it taking a long time to figure out what you want to do and that's it's okay and you should take your time. That's okay if you're rich and have people taking care of you. But for those who can't afford to take that much time to "find themselves" we kind of have to pick one thing we're kind of good at, try to improve ourselves and cross our fingers that we haven't made a horrible choice.

Sometimes when I'm neck-deep in kindergarteners and asking myself, "Can I do this?" I think, "Well, you seem infinitely happier than the past several years so I'd say that's a plus."