America. Racism and other prejudice. Why I feel like a foreigner in my own country.

A foreign friend told me he didn't understand why Americans were so sensitive to racism. I know him to make somewhat racist jokes and it's a part of his culture but I know he doesn't really believe these things.  But I think what he doesn't understand is how much racism is still so involved with violence and injustice in this country. Take a look at what's happening in Ferguson, MO. It's only one example of violence because of racism. We claim to be such a progressive country but we still suffer from this same disease that has plagued us since the founding of this country. We don't believe in protecting our own people. We don't believe that our own people are even our own people.

When things like Ferguson happen, it reminds me that even though I have white skin, I'm also Muslim and therefore seen as a foreigner and immigrant as therefore seen as something less or something to be scared of even though I'm educated, polite, dressed nicely, etc. It makes me scared to raise a family here. It makes me scared for my father who has darker skin and has had more than his fair share of abuse both physical and non-physical. It makes me always nervous around police and feel like I have to put on a loud show of being extra nice and friendly because I don't want them to jump to insane conclusions because I'm not smiling. I think what my friend doesn't realize is that in this country, you are never safe.

The struggle to believe in something.

First, I applied for schools in Korea. I got so overwhelmingly stressed and decided to apply for jobs elsewhere. I got a job in Kazan, Russia but then the school started experiencing financial strain because of the political and economic situation in Russia and they had to withdraw their offer of employment. I got overwhelmingly stressed again. I talked to my family, my friends, I cried, I got stress headaches, I went running to relieve my stress like I normally do but nothing really quite helped. That Friday I went to Jummah salah at the masjid and I spoke with my friend Hafsah. I told her what happened and she just shrugged it off and said, "Allah is the best of planners." I felt so calm and relieved as soon as she said it.

It's hard to remain positive and look on the other end of things when things don't go as you plan. As a Muslim, one of the biggest jihads is just having faith that Allah knows best for you. But really this expands to all humans, Muslim and non-Muslim alike. And for those of my friends and readers who aren't Muslim or even dislike the idea of religion, bear with me. I know it's incredibly difficult to believe in something you can't see, don't have a written agreement with, can't speak to, etc. It's hard to see the wisdom behind certain things in your life. I recently got another job in Russia but this time in St. Petersburg. The Muslim community is not as large there and I worry because I contacted one brother and he said neither he nor his wife were sure of any English-speaking Muslims there. Again, I tell myself, "Allah is the best of planners." I know He would not send me to a place without some plan of something good for me. During a period of doubt in my life, I went to Czech Republic, a largely atheistic country and happened to be placed in a city where they have one of I think three known mosques in the entire country. It was a small community but it changed me in so many ways. In my opinion, I think that in itself was a sign and one that I admit, moves me to tears, which isn't really that difficult but it something I feel so strongly about. So as long a my paperwork goes smoothly, I will be in St. Petersburg in January insha Allah, ready and waiting to see what is in store for me.

Stuck in the system.

Volunteering is something I want to do. I love helping. Paying student loans is something I do not want to do but I have to do and therefore I cannot work for free.

I just got an email from this nonprofit organization created by alumni of my alma mater that guides students and graduates to managing their money and paying student loans. YES. Thank you. Someone cares. It's so overwhelming to try to manage finances when you are trying to manage so many other things. There's professional development, social life development, love life development, personal interests and hobbies, trying to figure out taxes, etc.

On this site, I read about one organization that helps people pay off their student debts while volunteering. WHAT?! YES. Because this is all I ever want to do in life. Sadly, it's limited to Washington D.C., Chicago, and Philly but maybe if I come back for my master's degree I could find something because who knows where I'll end up.

Labels are tricky, sticky things that some people just want to cut off.

And that's fine. I watched a clip of Raven-Symoné's interview with Oprah and I'm quite astonished that she's received so much backlash. I understand people's desire to identify with a single culture that but why does that have to extend over an entire skin color? If Raven-Symoné doesn't feel she really identifies as an "African-American" and rather just as an American, okay that's totally understandable. I don't go around calling myself an English-French Canadian-Native American-Indonesian-Chinese-Dutch-American. And my family is so nomadic by nature that I'm sure that's not the end of it. It's too complicated to go into what a lot of us are especially when many Americans like myself don't even know their whole ethnic background.

Labels are tricky. It would be nice to live in a world where people didn't lump you into one group but people are going to do what people are going to do. I dream of the day when I can say "I'm Muslim" and people don't think I'm strict and serious or oppressed. But I think RS is right in her self-identification. Personally, I'm a lot of things, I'm not just one. Some of it's contradictory but hey, being human is complicated.

Sleepless in Springfield.

How long can one stare at the dimly lit shadows of your childhood bedroom before your mind and body give up out of sheer boredom? Apparently a long time. There's just too much on my mind lately. I have been stressing out over this job situation. I've been waiting for 3 months for South Korea and I just don't know if it will pay off. I started applying to other positions a couple weeks ago and I've been offered a position in Russia. I don't know if I should take it. I've wanted to go to Russia for a long time now but I have put so much time, money, and energy into SK that I want to feel it's worth something. Plus I would really like to go back to school. SK would help me get there a lot faster even though I think I would much rather enjoy Russia.

You know that question people ask about changing one thing about yourself? I wish I could be less emotional. I know I shouldn't say things like that but I really do. I can't help it. It's like a wave that consumes you and you don't know how to swim so you struggle until it washes you ashore. I really wish that sometimes I could switch off my emotion center of my brain and not care or at least be better at hiding my emotions. I would sleep so much easier.

I really do feel like Kolya sometimes. A lost, helpless little kid who doesn't understand anything about the real world. Maybe it's just because I'm still in my childhood bedroom.

When times stops.

My Uncle Endang passed away today. He was in a motorcycle accident recently, got a concussion, was in a coma, and seemed to be doing okay and then just wasn't.

I don't know how to react in situations like this. When some conversation leads to the air suddenly leaving the room. My muscles are stunned into a blank space. Everything turns blinding white. I don't know what to do or what to say. Sometimes I cry, but mostly I just need to feel something solid underneath my feet and I leave.

I panic.

Binge-eating Cheddar Bunnies

I am so nervous about all this paperwork for South Korea and I'm taking it out of these poor, defenseless creatures.

I sent out my "red documents" today and my recruiter emailed me about public school positions starting in November and December. Great except I need 2 letter of recommendation plus a "PTE" (Proof of Teaching Experience). I have one letter of recommendation but it doesn't have a professional letter head. A public school position would be ideal but I realize given the timing of my application, a public school position is unlikely. This is why this is an amazing, rare opportunity. I emailed people about the letters but I don't know how likely it is to get a response in time. I can't even concentrate on studying Spanish right now. Blergh