Stuck in the system.

Volunteering is something I want to do. I love helping. Paying student loans is something I do not want to do but I have to do and therefore I cannot work for free.

I just got an email from this nonprofit organization created by alumni of my alma mater that guides students and graduates to managing their money and paying student loans. YES. Thank you. Someone cares. It's so overwhelming to try to manage finances when you are trying to manage so many other things. There's professional development, social life development, love life development, personal interests and hobbies, trying to figure out taxes, etc.

On this site, I read about one organization that helps people pay off their student debts while volunteering. WHAT?! YES. Because this is all I ever want to do in life. Sadly, it's limited to Washington D.C., Chicago, and Philly but maybe if I come back for my master's degree I could find something because who knows where I'll end up.

Labels are tricky, sticky things that some people just want to cut off.

And that's fine. I watched a clip of Raven-Symoné's interview with Oprah and I'm quite astonished that she's received so much backlash. I understand people's desire to identify with a single culture that but why does that have to extend over an entire skin color? If Raven-Symoné doesn't feel she really identifies as an "African-American" and rather just as an American, okay that's totally understandable. I don't go around calling myself an English-French Canadian-Native American-Indonesian-Chinese-Dutch-American. And my family is so nomadic by nature that I'm sure that's not the end of it. It's too complicated to go into what a lot of us are especially when many Americans like myself don't even know their whole ethnic background.

Labels are tricky. It would be nice to live in a world where people didn't lump you into one group but people are going to do what people are going to do. I dream of the day when I can say "I'm Muslim" and people don't think I'm strict and serious or oppressed. But I think RS is right in her self-identification. Personally, I'm a lot of things, I'm not just one. Some of it's contradictory but hey, being human is complicated.

Sleepless in Springfield.

How long can one stare at the dimly lit shadows of your childhood bedroom before your mind and body give up out of sheer boredom? Apparently a long time. There's just too much on my mind lately. I have been stressing out over this job situation. I've been waiting for 3 months for South Korea and I just don't know if it will pay off. I started applying to other positions a couple weeks ago and I've been offered a position in Russia. I don't know if I should take it. I've wanted to go to Russia for a long time now but I have put so much time, money, and energy into SK that I want to feel it's worth something. Plus I would really like to go back to school. SK would help me get there a lot faster even though I think I would much rather enjoy Russia.

You know that question people ask about changing one thing about yourself? I wish I could be less emotional. I know I shouldn't say things like that but I really do. I can't help it. It's like a wave that consumes you and you don't know how to swim so you struggle until it washes you ashore. I really wish that sometimes I could switch off my emotion center of my brain and not care or at least be better at hiding my emotions. I would sleep so much easier.

I really do feel like Kolya sometimes. A lost, helpless little kid who doesn't understand anything about the real world. Maybe it's just because I'm still in my childhood bedroom.

When times stops.

My Uncle Endang passed away today. He was in a motorcycle accident recently, got a concussion, was in a coma, and seemed to be doing okay and then just wasn't.

I don't know how to react in situations like this. When some conversation leads to the air suddenly leaving the room. My muscles are stunned into a blank space. Everything turns blinding white. I don't know what to do or what to say. Sometimes I cry, but mostly I just need to feel something solid underneath my feet and I leave.

I panic.

Binge-eating Cheddar Bunnies

I am so nervous about all this paperwork for South Korea and I'm taking it out of these poor, defenseless creatures.

I sent out my "red documents" today and my recruiter emailed me about public school positions starting in November and December. Great except I need 2 letter of recommendation plus a "PTE" (Proof of Teaching Experience). I have one letter of recommendation but it doesn't have a professional letter head. A public school position would be ideal but I realize given the timing of my application, a public school position is unlikely. This is why this is an amazing, rare opportunity. I emailed people about the letters but I don't know how likely it is to get a response in time. I can't even concentrate on studying Spanish right now. Blergh

The definitions of words.

I'm turning 26 tomorrow. It's a weird feeling getting older. It's not a bad feeling, to be quite honest, I get more and more excited about life the older I get. I know we have this idea that getting older is a sign of weakness. I know plenty of people still clinging to the invincibility they felt in their teenage years, trying to relive "the glory days" of their youth but I guess my youth was not that glorious. But getting older, nonetheless, is strange. I feel like by now I should be able to call myself an adult. By society rules and laws of being considered a dependent on your parent's medical insurance and car rental agreements, I'm an adult. But I don't necessarily feel that way. I guess I still believe the idea of mid-twenties as it was seen fifty or more years ago. That I should be settled in a career, starting a family and such. I'm not as bothered by it as I used to be but I still wonder if I can consider myself an adult-- a self-sufficient, fully functional human being of society. But if I think about the realistically these days, when do you ever stop needing help? I realize this ties into a much larger discussion about community and society and helping one another, but where is that line?

I guess I'm feeling this way since I've been home without a job and my parents are supporting and throwing me some pity money so I don't go to crazy with cabin fever.

Maybe I feel better once I start working again, have my own medical insurance and can afford to pay my bills without having an panic attack about money, I'll rest a little easier.

Trying to remember why my memories were so great.

Being back in Boston has been a weird experience. It's been great seeing old friends but it feels like so much has changed. I feel like I don't belong here anymore. I thought I missed it so much but I guess in comparison with my life over the past couple years, my world has expanded so greatly that Boston seems to be a little blip. I guess the question that remains is: where do I belong?

I'm ready to head to South Korea and keep looking.